she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
