I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
We're too hungover to prance.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
