I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
