i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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