what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
