This is not my ceiling
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
