dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
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