i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
