I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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