Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
