Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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