I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
