i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
