You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
