I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
