Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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