tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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