right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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