She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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