Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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