just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i will never coherently bang her
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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