No stitches, just platelets and will power
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
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