Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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