i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
