I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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