He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
