this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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