'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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