Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
