I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
