never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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