Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
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I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
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New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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