I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Randomize
