I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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