trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
There was a lot of him and a little penis
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
