the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
