its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
