My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
