My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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