i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
