2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
