Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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