My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
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So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
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Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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