just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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