i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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