listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
