I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
