I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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