i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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