dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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