If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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