so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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