We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
