I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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